August 24, 2013

School starts in 2 days. Even though I'm pretty apprehensive about all the work that's going to mean, in a way I'm also kind of looking forward to it in a way. This has literally been the most boring summer I have ever experienced, and it will be kind of refreshing to actually go to school again and actually have things to do. College apps are coming up, and it's the process that will decide the rest of my life. At the moment, I'm feeling a spark of motivation, and I'm hoping it will last and burn into a fire that will give me the momentum that I need to set my life in motion again. Allez viens

August 16, 2013

Why do people pretend to be what they're not? I feel really strongly about this but, as with most of the things I think and feel, I can't really find the words to explain it. People, at their cores, are so fake it's pretty astonishing. The things we do to fit in, to get attention, to look "righteous", to fulfill our self-images... I am a pretty quiet guy most of the time, so I have plenty of time to observe the ways people act, and people are so predictable in their actions and lies. I guess it works out though, because as with everything, the majority decides what is "normal" and "right", and it is the majority who decides who is "insane" or "delusional". Sometimes I worry that by the definitions created by the common people I really am just a crazy kid. I really just wish I could think normally, and be a normal person, because this shit is really getting hard to deal with. Dying is obviously the easy way out, but anyone who knows me well enough would know I could never take that way, mainly because I wouldn't have the balls to do it. But even if I did, hey, I have an eternity to be dead, why should I be in such a rush. Maybe a miracle will happen, who knows. And if not, life has got to be more interesting then being dead right. Even the one I'm living now will look pretty fun compared to being dead and rotting in the ground for an eternity, so I guess I should just be grateful for what I've got.

Aug 8 2013

I don't like people. Actually, it's not that I don't like people, I just don't like liking people. Does that make sense? Getting attached to people means you depend on them for your happiness and once they leave you're left with less than before. And when you like someone, you're depending on the chance that they like you too, which is rarely the case. Or maybe that's just me, because I'm notoriously bad at keeping friends. Okay, I don't even know where I'm going with this one, I'm just gonna change the topic. I've noticed that my concentration is kind of crappy lately, to say the least. I feel like I've developed the attention span of a goldfish and I can't focus on one thing without getting distracted by something else. My summer is coming to a close, and I just need to have some self-discipline for one more year, or actually, just a few months, but I can't find it in myself to do even that. I have a terrible feeling that when I'm older, I'm going to be filled with regret that I couldn't just man up and do what I'm supposed to do, now, when it is most important

August 1, 2013

I got stitches for the first time ever today. It was a lot less exciting than I thought it would be. They basically just stabbed me with a needle and then after that I couldn't feel anything. There are a bunch of videos on youtube of people who got their wisdom teeth taken out, and they give you laughing gas for that, which has hilarious results, but I only got a local anesthetic so it was a pretty mundane experience. But hey, its gotta be more interesting than the rest of my summer, right.

July 24, 2013

I've never been to a concert before and that kind of makes me sad. I want to go to an Electric Daisy Carnival before I die, it's kind of my dream. Actually I haven't been to much of anything, because I was always supposed to study or something. But in the end I didn't even study that much so basically I've wasted a large portion of my life. I guess I kind of regret it in a way, because I had the option of studying or doing nothing, and I should have chosen to just study hard instead of being bitter about all the options that were closed to me. At least that way I would actually have something to show for all of my time. I feel like I pushed too hard to forcing open another path in the road, one that I actually wanted to pursue, instead of just following the road that was already given to me, clear of obstacles. In the end, I hit a dead end in the path I tried to force anyways, and I was put back on my original path, but now far behind everyone else instead of ahead. I'm not sure if I'm even making sense right now. The way I word things, no one has ever been able to understand. I understand myself perfectly, but it's just really hard to turn ideas into words. I think to myself in the form of ideas and pictures, not in words, so when it comes time to actually speak or write it out, it becomes really difficult to capture my original meaning. Language is a great tool, but to me, it always feels like it falls short, and is inadequate. Maybe in the future people will be able to communicate telepathically, and actually show others their feelings and ideas, with no misunderstandings, and I hope I am alive to see that day.

July 15, 2013

I am really out of ideas for this journal. I already have one for English class, but I guess I can't complain, because Eileen has to do one for three classes. But I really have nothing going on this summer, but I'm really trying to think of new things to write about. I haven't written yet about Taylor Swift, so I guess I'll do that now. She's my celebrity crush, not just because shes the prettiest girl ever but I love her music and personality too. Well, what she shows of her personality anyways. To be honest, the genre of the music she makes isn't that great, but you can feel her passion when she sings, and that's what makes her songs great. Also, her voice is angelic and soothing and just really nice to listen to. My real favorite genre of music would have to be EDM. The rythyms and beat of EDM is really calming and it is like my heartbeat. When the beat of a good song drops, it completely immerses you in the feel of the song, and it's like nothing else exists, for that moment, and my mind just completely opens up to the music. I would love to do something related to producing music or art, but I kind of suck at it, so I'll just have to settle for enjoying the works of other people.

July 7, 2013

I've never understood how people enjoy eating so much. I don't ever remember actually liking to eat things. Eating for me has always felt like a chore, like something I just had to do, like going to the bathroom or showering or brushing my teeth. The process itself is kind of repulsive, when I watch people do it, or think about how it happens. When I watch people chew bowls of oil, plants, and animal meat into a mush and swallow it into their bodies. When I see bowls of food and imagine it all mixed up and slushing around in our stomachs. People think that because I'm skinny and don't usually eat in front of people that it's because I don't eat a lot, but I actually eat just as much as normal people at home, because my mom feeds me as much as she can. I'm not sure why I'm so skinny though, food seems to just pass right through me. I actually have no problem with eating, I just don't like eating a lot at once. Instead of three big meals a day, I would prefer if it were split up further, like six smaller meals or something. I worry myself sometimes though, because I can go a whole day without eating, and when I'm off living by myself I might just forget to eat sometimes and that would be pretty unhealthy.

June 29, 2013

So my friends got my name to be on our senior shirts next year, even though I was only there for less than a year of high school. https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/563307_10200509045833116_735515437_n.jpg . They're buying me a shirt so I can pick it up from them once I get back to the States. I'm happy about that I guess, but it still sucks that I won't be able to spend my senior year doing the things I had been dreaming about since forever. I kind of need to, if you will excuse the term, get my shit together, or I'll never even be able to go back to begin with. I don't pretend to believe that anything is a given anymore. Whenever something bad happened to me, I had always found comfort by telling myself that it couldn't get any worse. But I turned out to be pretty wrong every time, and I learned that you don't want to challenge life, because it can always be worse. So now I have to fight my way back I guess, but its so hard to get out of this slump. My motivation before came from people but now it's going to have to come from myself

June 20, 2013

Sometimes I really wonder what other people are thinking and feeling. Ever since I was young, instead of dreaming about having super strength or x-ray vision or something along those lines, I've always wanted to just be able to know what people are thinking, or to "read minds". I hate misunderstandings, and it's frustrating to have to figure out what people want. I guess reading minds isn't really a solution either, because you'd see things that were probably kept from you for a reason. Psychology is probably the closest thing, which is part of the reason I'm taking this course.

On a completely different note though: pineapples. I'm eating some right now and I hate when they sting the inside of your mouth. How does that even happen??? Hurts to move my tongue now. Thanks, pineapple.